They used a million different words, for life, for living...for loving.
And each time I thought I knew it all.....I sang along. Through older lives and remembered words of wisdom, I hoped to live it all....
Ah but I fell....
A beaten body....bruised and hurt....I try hard to stand up. No hands to help me up. None.
Strange....they all spoke of hands which would catch me if I ever fall…
A song.....a song....
Why did I fall? Did somebody push me off the edge? The cacophony of a hundred questions inside my head.....relentless.
shut it...shut it....shut it somehow.
I falter and then, the onslaught of realizations, merciless in their honesty and intensity.
Nobody pushed me. Like a blind fool I stood on the edge and thought the world was never as beautiful as now. I never saw the fall below. I lived deeply in my reality of love and life. But a reality without existence? An illusion, a reality.
Love they said is blind......
The first thought is hard to find in this confusion….a storm brewing inside and a heart only in search of deep peace.....living only and always through contradictions.
What words will my anger find for itself? The death of hope....a dead weight. How long will I keep this with me? Long miles I have walked and more stretch out ahead of me.....but I tire soon with this stone around my neck…
I fear it like a disease.....an affliction for life?
Where is the cure? How long before I find it?
Too long…too long now. I want only to be whole again.
But I left pieces of me behind…with him who don’t even know that...
Bits of me are carelessly flung into some distant corner of his past....I lie in dust.
I want my pieces back......
A song....a song....all of life is there in a song.
Where is mine? Where is my song?
But.....i see it now....I fell through my song....
And now only the faint haunts of a melody lost....
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tribute to a friend.....
Long years these have been…..18 years to be more precise. And the memory of that first meeting still remains fresh in my mind. I was in the first standard when I was first introduced to him. I remember feeling awkward and conscious around him, especially when my class mates and friends were around. That first week of knowing him, was spent in a continuous state of being conscious and fidgety.
But time passed we grew used to each other. It is from him that I really and truly got my sight. Through the years he has taught me how to see things. All images in my mind come through him. It’s a dependence of sorts one could obviously argue. But it has not been an easy road for us. There were a number of times in my teens when I rebelled at the need to have him in my life. He had become a necessity more than anything else. But for me he was an irritating fact which no matter what I did, would just not step out of my life.
In fact, in the initial years even my parents had not been very keen to have him become so integral a part of my life. My father would constantly make efforts to take me away from him. But as fate would have it we stuck together, much to my later distress.
Another point against him was the way he looked. He was just never able to keep up with changes in styles and was a reminder always of things long declared outdated. Already labeled a geek-in-the-making, his presence only quickened the process for me.
There were so many problems with him really. For instance, he was and remains to this day prone to getting heated during summers and naturally irritating the hell out of me. Even more offending was the peculiar way he just sort of fogs up on me during winters. Its strange really to see his extreme reactions to climatic changes...but now since i am in more generous a mood, i can pass it off simply as one of his eccentricities....
But those years went by and I made final peace with his presence and with his appearance. And then, just then he changed.
It was so sudden and so drastic a change that I couldn’t really believe him. And he did it all for me. On that fateful day in October 2004, he came, totally changed, radically transformed.
It was a literal make-over and nothing less. Things aren’t the same for me anymore, they are clearer for sure but not the same. I miss his solidity at times. He was more tangible a presence then than he is now. But he isn’t totally gone. Sometimes at night he reverts back to his older self and then once again I meet my oldest friend…..
There have been times, when my carelessness and harsh actions have broken him, literally. But he has been amazingly patient with me. He never complained. He just went ahead and mended himself. Truly amazing….
Because I call this a tribute, I should say a thanks to him here. We’ve had good days and bad….we’ve been together through rain and sun…we've lost each other and found ourselves again. I never thought it would have lasted so long. Many have told me to get rid of him but from where I stand, I see this as an affair for a lifetime….
For my dear friend and comrade...my glasses whom no pair of contact lenses can ever replace.
But time passed we grew used to each other. It is from him that I really and truly got my sight. Through the years he has taught me how to see things. All images in my mind come through him. It’s a dependence of sorts one could obviously argue. But it has not been an easy road for us. There were a number of times in my teens when I rebelled at the need to have him in my life. He had become a necessity more than anything else. But for me he was an irritating fact which no matter what I did, would just not step out of my life.
In fact, in the initial years even my parents had not been very keen to have him become so integral a part of my life. My father would constantly make efforts to take me away from him. But as fate would have it we stuck together, much to my later distress.
Another point against him was the way he looked. He was just never able to keep up with changes in styles and was a reminder always of things long declared outdated. Already labeled a geek-in-the-making, his presence only quickened the process for me.
There were so many problems with him really. For instance, he was and remains to this day prone to getting heated during summers and naturally irritating the hell out of me. Even more offending was the peculiar way he just sort of fogs up on me during winters. Its strange really to see his extreme reactions to climatic changes...but now since i am in more generous a mood, i can pass it off simply as one of his eccentricities....
But those years went by and I made final peace with his presence and with his appearance. And then, just then he changed.
It was so sudden and so drastic a change that I couldn’t really believe him. And he did it all for me. On that fateful day in October 2004, he came, totally changed, radically transformed.
It was a literal make-over and nothing less. Things aren’t the same for me anymore, they are clearer for sure but not the same. I miss his solidity at times. He was more tangible a presence then than he is now. But he isn’t totally gone. Sometimes at night he reverts back to his older self and then once again I meet my oldest friend…..
There have been times, when my carelessness and harsh actions have broken him, literally. But he has been amazingly patient with me. He never complained. He just went ahead and mended himself. Truly amazing….
Because I call this a tribute, I should say a thanks to him here. We’ve had good days and bad….we’ve been together through rain and sun…we've lost each other and found ourselves again. I never thought it would have lasted so long. Many have told me to get rid of him but from where I stand, I see this as an affair for a lifetime….
For my dear friend and comrade...my glasses whom no pair of contact lenses can ever replace.
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